Loss Is Constant!

Where to start? That would be March 2007. I was in the US Army and just arrived at my Duty Station, Ft Carson in Colorado. I had met a great guy and we ended up dating. Didn't really think about TTC it just happened. July 2007 I found out I was pregnant at 14 weeks, I had to have an ultrasound because I thought something was wrong with my ovaries (Infertility problems in family past had made me aware that there were chances that I would have the same issues). The scan showed that I was 14 weeks along. I was so excited and to make it better it showed Identical Twin Girls! I always wanted that so much. Unfortunately two days later I had a complete miscarriage. I had things going on at the same time in my life so didn't grieve then instead I went on with life, I guess you could say I grieved silently the whole time but didn't show it. The next year in February I fell pregnant again. May 1st marked 14 weeks and that morning I woke up to cramping and another complete miscarriage. I had once again miscarried just days after finding out I was, loosing my son was harder than expected. This time I had time to grieve and I did, fell into depression for a long time. Didn't go out and hang with friends or even talk to my SO at the time. This final loss eventually split the two of us up.

Now its October 2011, 3.5 give or take years from the loss of my son and I am with my childhood sweetheart and we just suffered our first loss together and my 3rd mc. Baby 4, (I feel was another son) was lost at 5w3d. I know now that my grief in prior mc's was nothing compared to this and I think I know why. I know I am now with who I am meant to be with and knowing this and knowing that this mc was our first baby together makes it harder. Our hopes were high as everything this time was different with the first two pregnancy's I'd had. I will get into this further in another post but for now you know a little of my losses and now for the journeys each loss took.

A New Beginning!

So over the past two months my life has been on a roller coaster ride that I am hoping is slowly coming to a smooth spot.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder which contributes to my Chronic Depression give me trouble in handling situations in life.
SITUATIONS:
Oct. 3rd: Anniversary of Brett's (my fiance)'s Aunt Deenie's death from Breast Cancer that took her in 2002.
Oct 5th: Grandma Margaret's anniversary of death 25 years. & Miscarriage of fourth baby, third pregnancy.
Oct. 23rd: This day has to be explained in detail:
-On Oct. 10, 2006 I called home from basic training 3 days prior to graduation to check and make sure plans had been finalized for family to come out to SC. I talked to Angel who I could tell from her voice she was worried. I asked what was wrong. She told me Gpa Vern had a heart attack, he was okay though. Over the next four and a half years Gpa was in and out of hospitals with different issues one where they put in a pace maker (I believe this was 2009) This past summer he took a turn when he started retaining water, off to the VA in Salt Lake he went to get stabilized. Was released but ended up back again for the same problem a few weeks later. He was again released but this time to a rehab center where he spent a couple weeks. Then once more ended up in a hospital, this time Utah Valley. I had visited him off and on when I could get to the hospitals and once at the Rehab. So I had said my goodbyes but still continued to hope for either a peaceful passing or healthy return. On the 23rd I was checking facebook when I saw a status posted by my cousin that they were removing all support and taking only comfort measures. He was given 24-48 hours, not long later was told 12-24. I found a way to get gas and jumped in my car to go say a final goodbye.
I arrived at his room just minutes after he passed. I cried for a couple minutes went and called Brett and my immediate family. Went back to the room and we talked of things special about Gpa. He was my only remaining grandparent and the one I was closest to. He did a great work here on earth and left behind a great family. 4 children, 15 grandchildren, and 26 great grandchildren and it will only grow more. (But thats for another time when I dedicate a post especially to Grandpa & Grandma Taylor.
Oct. 26 - Brett's Father had a heart attack and was in the hospital 3 days which we spent all the time we could up with him.
Oct. 28 Our dog Geo had 11 puppies, 5 of which lived.
Oct. 30 I started spotting, I figured AF (Aunt Flow) was coming on 8 days later after the weirdest period ever I was finally done for the month.
Nov. 2nd I had my first one on one therapy in the VA.
Nov. 10th Got prescribed Wellbutrin for my depression, so far its good.
Nov .1st - Present I have Brochitis, got it confirmed two nights ago at ER in Mt Pleasant.
Nov. 7 Had a fight with Brett.
Nov. 8 Brett decided he was completely done with me. (We worked things out after talking things out knowing that tough times are a strengthening time.
So today I am sick and worn. I want to sleep but can't because the mucus in my throat keeps me up because I feel like I am choking on it when laying down.

But with all this stuff happening its only logical that I would be depressed and not feeling in tune with life. But I have been taking the Wellbutrin for 3 days and I can honestly say as of right now I know it has been helping.

My motto for 2012 (want to get thru the holidays) is Happy & Healthy 2012.

Hope I don't bore you with my post. Feel free to let me know how utterly boring I am! LOL

First: A Little About Me!

My name is Jamie Ann. I was born January 9, 1987 in Orem, Utah to Sue & Gary Taylor. At the time of my birth I had four older siblings Angel (Oct. 13, 1978), Jon (Jul. 13, 1980), Arin (Oct. 22, 1982) and Sara (Mar. 3, 1985). In 1988 my mother lost a set of twins and then exactly a year to the day of their due date she had my baby sister Ginny (Sept. 13, 1989). Our family was completed with Ginny.

I was raised mostly in Ephraim, UT until I was in HS then my parents became Snowbirds and I spent my high school years between Ephraim in the Summers and Winterhaven, CA in the Winters.

I have 8 adorable niece's & nephews Courtnee(Jan. 21, 2000), Chris (Feb. 23, 2000), Matt (Dec. 1, 2002), Joey (Jul. 5, 2004), Gabe (Aug. 27, 2004) Emilee (Aug. 4, 2006), Hunter (Feb 18, 2008), Xander (Jun. 1, 2011) and finally one on the way (Due May 13, 2012).

I enlisted in the US Army and served from (July 12, 2006 to June 25, 2008) upon which I was medically discharged.

I am mother to four angel babies Mercedes (Merci) LaRaine & Margarett (Margo) Hannah (Lost Jul 25, 2007 - Due Feb. 17, 2008), Michael (Micah) Dean (Lost May 1, 2008 - Due Nov. 17, 2008) and finally Baby Johnson (Lost Oct. 5, 2011 - Due Jun. 3, 2012).

Currently I am a Veteran who is Unemployed though not because I want to be but because with my disabilities I am a liability and therefore companies won't hire me for even the simplest jobs.

That's me in a nut shell.